TL;DR: Traditional New Year's resolutions often fail because they're too vague, rooted in shame, and lack flexibility. Instead, try this:

Reflect on what worked/didn't work last year
Choose 5-10 words for how you want to feel this year
Break goals down into ridiculously small action steps,
Schedule only the first quarter.

Check in regularly, give yourself grace when you fall back into old patterns, and remember—you can start anytime, not just January 1st. The goal is realistic New Year's resolutions that work with your life, not against it.

The start of a new year has always been my favorite time of year. Not New Year’s Eve (overrated) but New Year’s Day (underrated). There's something magical about a blank slate—a bright morning, a fresh journal, the promise of new beginnings. Heck, I even love Mondays. For years, I was someone who went hard with my new year's reflections and resolutions. I fully embraced the "new year, new me" mentality, using the energy of that January calendar flip to plan to become a completely different person by the following December.

I'm also no stranger to abandoning those well-intentioned resolutions by the third week of January, followed by the subsequent shame spiral that inevitably came with it.

Sound familiar?

If you've ever felt that cycle of excitement, motivation, disappointment, and shame around New Year's resolutions, you're not alone. It's not because you lack willpower or discipline. The problem isn't you—it's the entire resolution framework. What we actually need are realistic New Year's resolutions that work with our lives, not against them.

Why Traditional New Year's Resolutions Set Us Up to Fail

Understanding why resolutions don't work is the first step toward finding an approach that actually does. As a therapist, I see these patterns play out with clients every January. Here are the most common pitfalls that derail even the most motivated among us:

1. Your Goals Are Too Big and Vague

"Get healthy." "Be more productive." "Read more books." These sound like reasonable goals, right? The problem is that they're so broad and undefined that your brain doesn't know where to start. Without a clear, concrete action to take, it's easy to feel paralyzed or overwhelmed. This is one of the biggest barriers to setting realistic New Year's resolutions.

The antidote: Break your goal down into smaller pieces. And then think smaller. And then think even smaller. If your goal is to read more, make it your goal to read 10 minutes per day to start. Does that still feel too daunting? Okay, how about one page per day? One paragraph per day? One sentence?

Break it down into the most doable action step you can start with. Once you've established that habit and it feels natural, you can add to it. The key is making the entry point so small that it feels almost impossible to fail. This is how sustainable change actually happens—through tiny, consistent actions that compound over time.

2. You Get a Dopamine Rush from the Planning Period (But It Doesn't Lead to Actual Change)

There's a unique high that comes from buying a new planner, color-coding your goals, and imagining your transformed future self. Your brain releases dopamine during this planning phase, giving you a sense of accomplishment before you've actually done anything. This can trick you into thinking you've already made progress, making it harder to follow through with the actual work.

I see this in therapy all the time—clients come in buzzing with plans and ideas. By the third session, they're discouraged because planning to change felt so good and the doing part, actually trying to change, feels so... hard.

The antidote: Adjust your expectations. Understand that when you actually start doing things instead of just planning things, there will be a period of discomfort. The planning phase feels good; the doing phase often doesn't—at least not at first. If you want to get that dopamine hit from seeing actual changes in your life, refer back to point #1 and give yourself small, doable action items that you can check off regularly. Real progress, even in tiny increments, is far more satisfying than elaborate plans and builds trust with yourself that you are actually capable of change (because you are!)

3. A Year Is a Long Time

Setting a goal in January and expecting to stay motivated until December is like starting a road trip without any rest stops. Life happens. Circumstances change. What felt important in winter might feel irrelevant by summer. Without regular check-ins, you can drift off course without even realizing it.

The antidote: Plan for regular check-ins with yourself—monthly or quarterly works well for most people. During these check-ins, ask yourself: Is this goal still working for me? Does it still align with how I want to feel and what I value? Is it time to adjust, pivot, or let it go entirely?

There's no shame in changing direction when something no longer serves you. In fact, that's a sign of wisdom and self-awareness. Realistic New Year's resolutions have built-in flexibility because real people change and evolve over time.

4. You're in It for the Wrong Reasons

Consider this: How many of us have ever made a New Year's resolution to lose weight? I'm expecting a lot of hands to be up right about now. When we dig deeper into why we want to lose weight, for many of us it comes from a place of low self-worth, shame, or the belief that we're not acceptable as we are. If that's your foundation, it's incredibly hard to sustain long-term change from that place. Shame is a terrible motivator for lasting transformation.

This is something I explore with my therapy clients regularly. When we set goals from a place of self-criticism rather than self-love, we're essentially trying to punish ourselves into change. And punishment, as a motivational strategy, has a pretty terrible track record.

The antidote: Get curious about what's really driving your goal. Is it coming from a place of self-love and worthiness, or from shame and not-enoughness? If you're struggling to find an underlying sense of self-compassion to motivate you, this might be worth exploring with support. When you're setting realistic New Year's resolutions, ask yourself: "If I loved myself completely as I am right now, would I still want this? And if so, why?" The answer to that question will tell you a lot.

5. You Slip Up Once and Feel So Bad, You Give Up Entirely

This is perhaps the most common resolution-killer, and it's deeply connected to that all-or-nothing thinking many of us struggle with. You miss one workout, eat one cookie, skip one day of journaling, and suddenly the whole thing feels ruined. The perfectionism kicks in: "Well, I've already failed, so I might as well give up completely."

The antidote: So much grace and compassion! On an intellectual level, we know change is hard. But then we scroll through social media and see people seemingly hustling hard and nailing life, and we think, "I must be the problem."

While it's always valuable to reflect on how we might create barriers to reaching our goals, it's equally important to build in grace and flexibility. Adjust your mindset to what I call the Anne of Green Gables attitude: "Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it." Every single moment is an opportunity to begin again. One slip doesn't erase all your progress or define your trajectory. What matters is that you return to your intention, again and again, with kindness toward yourself.

The above images are a compilation of various New Year’s Day adventures I’ve had over the years.

My Alternative Approach: Setting Realistic New Year's Resolutions That Actually Stick

Over the years, I've developed a New Year's system of reflection and goal-setting that doesn't overwhelm me but leaves me feeling genuinely inspired and grounded. I use this method personally, and I often guide my therapy clients through a similar process. Here's my tried and true method:

Part One: Reflecting on the Last Year

Before you can move forward, it's helpful to understand where you've been. This reflection process helps you identify patterns, celebrate wins, and learn from what didn't work. Think of it as gathering data about yourself—without judgment, just curiosity.

Step 1: Write Down Everything You Did That Year

This exercise is inspired by The Year Compass, and it's one of my favorites. Go through your calendar and photos on your phone and create a big, messy list of all the places you went, people you saw, and things you did. Don't edit yourself—just brain dump everything you can remember.

Then, start to circle any patterns that emerge. Maybe you spent a lot of time away from home that year and it felt discombobulating. Maybe your calendar was busier than you would have liked. Maybe you didn't see certain people as often as you would've wanted. Maybe you said “yes” to too many things out of obligation. These patterns reveal important information about what you might want to adjust moving forward.

Step 2: Make Two Lists: What Worked and What Didn't Work

This exercise is inspired by Anne Bogel of Modern Mrs. Darcy, and it's beautifully simple. Create two bulleted lists:

What worked for me this year
What didn't work for me this year

Be specific. "Morning walks worked for me." "Saying yes to every social invitation didn't work for me." "Meal prepping on Sundays worked for me." "Scrolling Instagram before bed didn't work for me." "Weekly therapy appointments worked for me." "Skipping lunch to power through work didn't work for me."

This isn't about judgment—it's about data collection. You're gathering evidence about what supports your wellbeing and what doesn't. This becomes your roadmap for creating realistic New Year's resolutions. You're not guessing at what might work; you're building on what already has worked and eliminating what hasn't.

Part Two: Visioning for the New Year

Now comes the fun part: dreaming and planning for what you want to cultivate in the year ahead. This is where we shift from traditional resolutions to something more sustainable and life-giving.

Step 1: Choose 5-10 Words for How You Want to FEEL

This is the cornerstone of my entire approach, and it's what makes these resolutions truly realistic. Instead of focusing solely on what you want to do or achieve, start with how you want to feel. Do you want to feel peaceful? Energized? Connected? Creative? Grounded? Adventurous? Balanced?

Write down 5-10 feeling words that resonate with you. These become your North Star for the year. When you're making decisions about how to spend your time and energy, you can ask yourself: "Will this help me feel the way I want to feel?"

This is a game-changer because feelings are something you can check in with daily. You don't have to wait until December to know if you're "successful." You can notice: Did I feel more peaceful this week? Did I create moments of connection? Am I moving in the direction of how I want to feel?

Step 2: Organize Your Goals into Life Categories

Break your goals down by looking at various areas of your life: Relationships, Health, Finances, Career, Hobbies, Travel, Home, and Self-Care. If that feels like too many categories, pick 1-3 to start with. You don't have to overhaul everything at once. In fact, please don't! That's the opposite of realistic New Year's resolutions.

For each category you choose:

First, write down any bigger, broader goals you may have. This may not apply to every category, and that's okay.
With those bigger goals in mind (if applicable), write up to 5 things you want to do in each category that match how you want to feel. Remember those feeling words from Step 1? Use them as your guide here.

For example, if one of your feeling words is "connected" and you're looking at the Relationships category, your action items might include: host a monthly dinner party, call a friend while taking my evening walk, plan a weekend trip with my partner, join a book club, or write letters to long-distance friends.

Notice how these are all concrete, doable actions—not vague aspirations. They're also connected to a feeling, which gives them meaning and motivation beyond just checking boxes.

Step 3: Get Out Your Calendar and Schedule the First Quarter

Here's where intention becomes action. Look at your list of things you want to do and pick a handful to actually schedule in the first quarter of the year (January, February, March). Put them in your calendar with specific dates and times.

This is the bridge between dreaming and doing. By scheduling specific actions in the near future, you're making a commitment to yourself while also keeping the scope manageable. You're not trying to plan the entire year—just the next three months. That's realistic. That's doable.

And here's the thing: if you do this quarterly, by the end of the year you'll have actually followed through on things that matter to you. That's worth so much more than a list of abandoned resolutions from January.

Bonus Step: Create a Vision Board

If you're feeling extra motivated, make a vision board (on paper or on Pinterest) with images and quotes that inspire you for the year ahead. Visual reminders can be powerful tools for staying connected to your intentions, especially during challenging moments. But if this feels like too much, skip it. The other steps are more important.

The Most Important Thing: Start Anytime

Here's what I want you to know: there is absolutely no magic to January 1st. You don't have to wait for a Monday, a new month, or a new year to begin again. You can start on a random day in May. You can start on a Tuesday. You can start at 3:00 p.m. after you've been on the couch all day.

Every single moment is an opportunity for a fresh start. The power isn't in the calendar date—it's in your decision to show up for yourself with intention and compassion.

Some of my therapy clients do this exercise in March or July or October, whenever they feel ready for a reset. The process works just as well. Maybe even better, because they're not caught up in the cultural pressure and frenzy of January.

When to Seek Support

If you're finding that you consistently struggle with setting and maintaining realistic goals, or if you notice patterns of harsh self-criticism, perfectionism, or shame spirals around your personal development, it might be worth exploring these patterns with a therapist. Sometimes what looks like a motivation problem is actually an underlying issue with self-worth, anxiety, or past experiences that have shaped how you relate to yourself.

Therapy can help you:

Identify the underlying beliefs that might be sabotaging your goals
Develop more self-compassion and realistic expectations
Explore where shame or perfectionism might be getting in your way
Build sustainable strategies for change that actually work for your life
Create a healthier relationship with yourself and your goals

You deserve support as you work toward the life you want. And sometimes, the most realistic resolution you can make is to invest in that support.

Ready to explore what realistic, sustainable change could look like for you? At True Wind Therapy, I offer a compassionate, non-judgmental space to work through the barriers that keep you stuck and discover what truly matters to you. Reach out today to learn more about how therapy can support your journey toward a more intentional, fulfilling life.

I Don't Do New Year's Resolutions. Here's What to Do Instead.