It comes up every once in a while on a consultation call with a potential client; “If we work together, how long will it take for me to <insert goal here>?” To which I reply (in that somewhat annoying way we therapists don’t answer questions directly), “That depends.” What does it depend on? Well, the client’s goals, their history of trauma, if I’m a good fit for their needs, and, of course, the client’s readiness for change. In other words, there are a lot of variables in the therapy process. One thing I see consistently though is that the clients with the most “success” in therapy, the ones who reach their goals, are the ones who put in the time and energy outside of the therapy room.

My old supervisor used to say, "Therapy doesn't work; people work." What that means is that you get out of therapy what you put into it. You're investing your time, your energy, and, often, your hard-earned money into this process. As a seasoned therapist and a longtime therapy client myself, here's what I've learned about making the most of the hour a week you've carved out for yourself.

The Start of Your Therapy Journey

Find the “good enough” therapist for you. There have been many an article/TikTok/Instagram post about how to find the right therapist so I won’t belabor those points here. We know that your relationship with your therapist is #1 predictor of positive therapeutic outcomes. What I will say is don’t let the search for the perfect therapist get in the way of the good enough therapist. Remember, the sooner you get started, the sooner you can work towards your goals. Speaking of goals…

Get clarity around your goals. We often have a vague idea of what we want to get out of therapy. “I want to improve my relationship.” “I want to process my childhood trauma.” “I just want to feel better.” These are great starting points but we need to go a layer deeper. Your therapist can help you but here are some things to consider:

How would you be different and how would your life be different if therapy worked for you the way you hope it would?
How do you want to feel in your life?
Visualize running a race. The finish line is whatever your vague goal might be. Let’s say it’s “I want to feel better.” Now visualize potholes in the road as you run towards that goal. Those potholes represent things that get in the way of your goal. Maybe things like, “I hate my job.” or “I have no idea what I want in life.” or “I get overwhelmed by everything.” These potholes will point you in the direction of more actionable steps you can take towards your ultimate goal of feeling better.

If you’ve already started therapy and are feeling a bit directionless, you can always go back to re-defining or checking in on your goals with your therapist at any time (yes, even if you are several years in.)

Before Your Appointment

Write down what's on your mind. I know this sounds obvious but life has a way of getting away from us. The thing that felt urgent on Tuesday can dissolve into fog by the time your Thursday session rolls around. This does not have to be a daily journal. Maybe you keep a running note on your phone or a small notebook by your bed where you jot down things that are surfacing for you between appointments. Or maybe the day of your appointment, or even 5 minutes before your appointment, you write down a few bullet points of what you might want to talk about. Anything will help you and your therapist decide your first direction for your session.

Build in a little buffer time. When possible, schedule some space before and after your session so your mind has room to settle in and settle out. I know this isn't always realistic between school pickups and back-to-back meetings, but even ten minutes on either end can make a real difference. Arriving rushed and leaving straight into chaos doesn't always give the work a chance to land.

During Your Appointment

Limit distractions. Put your phone on silent, or better yet, out of reach. If you're meeting virtually, find a space that feels private and secure, somewhere you won't be listening for footsteps in the next room. Your nervous system needs to know it's safe to be honest. And if you’re taking the call on your phone, please put your phone on “Do Not Disturb” so you won’t give your therapist a heart attack when you get a notification and it pings directly into their headphones. Speaking from experience 😅

Talk about what you actually want to talk about. This one sounds obvious too, but it's easy to get swept into the "how was your week" small talk when what you really came in to work on is your childhood, your marriage, or the thing you haven't told anyone. Your therapist can help hold space for both, but you're allowed to steer the conversation toward what matters most to you.

What if I don’t know what to talk about?

This happens all the time! You’re not bad at therapy if you don’t know what to talk about. Here are some suggestions:

Circle back to where you left off last time.
Discuss any homework the therapist might have given you between sessions.
Return to your goals and check-in on your progress.
Name what you are noticing in your mind, heart, and body as you start the session, even if it’s, “I feel pressured to come up with something to talk about!”
Ask your therapist to lead you in a guided meditation or visualization, then talk about what came up for you.

Take notes. Insights that feel clear and undeniable in the room have a way of slipping through your fingers by the time you close your laptop or you're back in your car. A few scribbled words can help you hold onto what surfaced. But beware of note-taking becoming a tool to keep you in your head! Talk to your therapist if you notice this happening.

After Your Appointment

Keep track of what you learned. You don't need a formal practice for this. You can write down a few sentences about what came up, what surprised you, or what you're still chewing on can help the session settle in rather than evaporate. If writing it down is not your jam, try a voice note on your phone. Anything to give you some extra time with what you’re noticing and learning.

Do the "homework." If your therapist suggests something to try between sessions, whether it's a breathing practice, a boundary to test out, or simply noticing a pattern, give it a real shot. This is often where the actual change happens: not in the room, but in the living of your life afterward. And if you consistently avoid these suggested activities, this is a great opportunity to explore that resistance with your therapist. (Stay tuned for an article on therapeutic resistance soon!)

Talk to a trusted friend or family member about your insights. Growth that only happens inside your own head, or only inside the therapy room, isn't quite finished yet. The real test is what you do with it out in your life, with the people who are waiting on the other side of it. Sometimes, sharing what you’re learning, when you’re ready, and having it reflected back to you by your closest people can help bring it into real life.

Bonus: Ask your therapist for recommendations for books, podcasts, articles, videos, etc. about the topics you are working through. Consume these recommendations. Take note of what resonates. Then talk about it with your therapist!

How Not to Obsess About Results

I know I just got finished telling you how to get more out of your therapy experience but in our culture of optimizing every little thing, I want to offer a gentle caution alongside all of this.

It’s worth noting that sometimes there are seasons of life when simply showing up is enough. Sometimes we need to get things off our chest. Sometimes we need a space where we can connect with someone supportive and compassionate, without an agenda attached. Sometimes we need to take the jumbled mess inside of our heads and have somebody help us untangle it all before we think about setting goals. That's more than okay. That might be exactly what this season calls for.

And for those ready to “do the work”, please note that this too can quietly become its own form of hiding. We journal about the conversation we're avoiding instead of having it. We read another book on attachment instead of calling the friend we hurt. We process the fight in therapy but never bring what we learned back to the person we fought with. Self-reflection starts to stand in for the harder, messier act of actually showing up: in the relationship, at the dinner table, in the room with the person who needs an apology or an honest word from us. So as you do this work, it's worth asking yourself every so often: am I using this work to get closer to my fullest, most complete self, or to avoid myself?

Therapy as a Co-Created Space

Therapy is a collaboration. Your therapist brings training, presence, and a steady, compassionate mirror. You bring the rest: your honesty, your willingness, your showing up again and again even when it's hard. Do that, and the work has a real chance to take root.

If you're looking for a therapist in Michigan who blends somatic and EMDR work with a grounded, holistic approach, I'd love to connect. You can book a consultation here: truewindtherapy.com/schedule.

How to Get More Out of Your Therapy Experience… And How Not to Obsess About Results